Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
