Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
