Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
