Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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