Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
the day after is always just damage control
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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