Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
