if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
