I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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