Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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