The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
