i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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