I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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