FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
