Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
