its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
