I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
