You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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