you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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