I murdered the dance floor call the cops
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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