not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize