Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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