dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
