If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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