nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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