Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
