I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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