I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
