Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
