Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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