What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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