I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize