is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Boobs are out for the taking
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize