I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
