my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize