You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
