yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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