So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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