I am puke
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
