i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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