I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
