when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
