Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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