the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
