Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
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