yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
