my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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