Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
