I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
