So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
