My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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