ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
