just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
