I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
NoShamevember. You game?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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