It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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