my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
this is an emotional support booty call
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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