Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
