"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
