I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
