Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
there is glitter all over my balls
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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