hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
