cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
